


Sapnap is a Raw Chicken. This is his New Reality. Dream and George Made a Grave Mistake. Hopefully Fundy can Help. No Promises.

by driedupsquid



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Minecraft Youtubers, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Crack Fic, all i can write are shitposts apparently, friend smile!!, how the hell do i even tag this absolute shit, i regurt so much, shitpost, someone on tumblr made some cursed art and asked for lore so now we're here, uhhh, yeah...
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-07-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:15:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24835993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/driedupsquid/pseuds/driedupsquid
Summary: “ooga booga, ooga booga, ooga booga”You’d think that having friends that code in mc would be cool.It’s not..Especially when they’re holding a seance to turn you into a raw chicken.
Comments: 25
Kudos: 138





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DenAliYan729](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DenAliYan729/gifts).



> dont even ask tbh  
> all based off an image on tumblr.

“Ooga Booga, Ooga Booga, Ooga Booga”

You’d think that having friends that code in mc would be cool.

It’s not..

Especially when they’re holding a seance to turn you into a raw chicken.

Sapnap had honestly never thought that this would happen (then again, who would?), but as he saw the light emerge from the pentagon that was drawn on the floor (Bad had been against a pentagram being on his server, so George and Dream settled for a pentagon) he decided that it was his destiny.

To be a raw chicken.

Yeah, maybe he should have re-thought this…

Why couldn’t they just get Callahan? 

Too late, the light surrounded Sapnap fully now, and with it came a loud sparkling noise, blocking out a majority of the “ooga boogas” that Dream and George were now loudly chanting. An almost Magical Girl-Esque transformation seemed to ensue.

The sparkles seemed to start at his chest, quickly making their way outward, towards each of his limbs in turn, which Sapnap outstretched as a final hurrah, before they were turned into small raw-chicken stubs that he would barely be able to move.

It was a glorious transformation (according to eyewitnesses (ie. Dream and George (who are both crazy))), and when it was all over Sapnap was a raw chicken, similar to That One Guy From Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs.

Sapnap immediately fell to the ground, rolling over onto his back, now unable to stand on his own. George and Dream rushed over, hoping he was alright (he had been floating pretty high up during that transformation).

## “No I’m not alright!! I’m a fucking raw chicken, you sons of bitches. Why the hell did I agree to this!”

a faint “language” can be heard in the distance

The last part was worded like a question, but Sapnap made it very clear that he did not want an answer from the two developers (or at least, as well as he could, when he was on his back and also a raw chicken) with his eyes alone.

Dream and George backed off, looking up at each other in awe.

“We did it, Dream! We coded a mod!!”

Sapnap was also in awe. This was a mod? So it was reversible…

Dream looked back down at Sapnap, “If you were wondering… we haven’t figured out how to revert it yet…” Embarrassment spread across both of the developer’s faces. Sapnap, because he was at a loss for words (and also was a raw chicken), only sighed in response.

Of course, they didn’t know how to reverse it. They were idiots. Dinguses. One could even say that they were buffoons (but don’t let Bad hear you).

This situation was to be expected, especially for Sapnap, who found himself testing their plugins time-in and time-out. But plugins are different. They alter the world in a way that doesn’t include new things. Mods include new things. And no one here really knew how to use new things. This was a mess (also to be expected). After a minute more of standing over the raw-chicken Sapnap, Dream and George decided it was best if they did something with him. So they practically launched him onto the couch, and left to get Bad.

Bad just so happened to be streaming at that very moment. Not on his own channel, no, Skeppy was streaming with BBH and a6d. They were playing bedwars. Normal stuff. So when Dream and George barged in, screaming that they ‘turned Sapnap into a raw chicken and now had no idea what to do” chat (with reason) went crazy.

“Dream, George! We’re streaming, stop trolling!” Bad yelled, trying to focus on the game. Meanwhile, a6d and Skeppy lost it. Two of their friends barged into their call and stream, yelling that they turned a third friend into a raw-fucking-chicken. Unexpected, but peak comedy. Dream and George were not amused.

“We’re not trolling! He’s a raw chicken! You have to come see!” George shouted back at Bad, annoyance lacing his voice. Bad spun in his chair, facing his two developers, eyebrows scrunched together.

“Look, you two can’t just do this. Skeppy was planning on using this stream for a vi-” He began, before Skeppy burst out laughing again.

“Sko-, Skoppy- Skoppy just messaged me- they want to edit this “mess of a stream” for me-” He could barely breathe from laughter, and a6d followed suit, his laughing coming in quick bursts. All of a sudden three more people joined that call.

“What the heck am I watching,” one of them began, a slight, almost undetectable, lisp in their voice, it was Spifey.

“I’ve come to ask the same god-damn question,” it was Finnster who spoke.

“Language!” Both Bad and Skeppy shouted, “I’m streaming, idiot!”

“Forget that you’re streaming, why the hell did George and Dream join a call saying that they turned Sapnap into a raw chicken?” Harvey, the last of the three finally spoke, amusement trickling into his words. Bad only sighed at the usage of the word ‘hell’, too confused to tell Harvey off about it.

“Because we turne-” Dream was cut off midsentence by the sound of a ninth person joining the call,

“Okay, but seriously, why are you nerds saying that you turned Sapnap into a raw chicken?” The monotone voice asked, yet you could still tell that they were holding back a smile, it was Technoblade.

Who was next? Wisp? Illumina? Tommyinnit? Philza? Hannah? Astelic? Wilbur? Petezahut? Jerome? Preston? I’veRunOutOfMCYTRsOffTheTopOffMyHead? Anyone could be next.

Dream was tired of this.

“We. Turned. Sapnap. Into. A. Raw. Chicken,” He clapped between the words, emphasising their importance. Skeppy and a6d lost their shit once more, no longer able to hold back their laughter in the least, Finn joined in quickly, and before long everyone but Dream, George, and Bad were laughing their asses off.

“Shut the fuck up!” George yelled, catching everyone off-guard. Even Bad, who was so surprised he couldn’t even yell at him. “We turned Sapnap into a raw chicken, for fuck’s sake, take this seriously!” Everyone was silent.

“Thank you,” Dream said grumpily, “Now. What should we do?”

No one spoke.

“Fine! If no one’s going to help, we’ll go get someone else!” and with that, Dream and George both left the call, and room, angrily.

“W-what now, George asked, looking up at Dream, who towered over him. Dream looked down at him, frustration spread across his face. The two stood like that for a minute.

“We could get Fundy,” Dream finally said, “He probably knows how to fix this,”


	2. Chapter 2

_ “We could get Fundy,” Dream finally said, “He probably knows how to fix this,” _ George nodded, Fundy would definitely know how to fix this, he deals with mods, right? 

I, the author, am actually not sure.

LET’S JUST ACT LIKE HE DOES, EVEN IF HE DOESN’T, IM LAZY AND THE ONLY OTHER PERSON I KNOW THAT CAN CODE OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD IS NEON AND WHY THE HELL WOULD DREAM AND GEORGE KNOW NEON? ALSO, IM LIKE 99% SURE THAT NEON DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE A MOD, SO SHUT UP AND ROLL WITH ME.

Moving on:

Dream and George popped back into the room where Sapnap was. Unsurprisingly, he was still laying on the couch and a raw-chicken.

“So… Bad didn’t believe us. Neither did Skeppy, a6d, Finnster, Spifey, TapL or Technoblade,” George began slowly, watching frustration edge it’s way onto Sapnap’s face, “Don’t ask how we talked to all of them, it’s unimportant. We’re gonna go talk to Fundy and see if he can help. Uh, if you need anything, call Callahan, I’m sure he’ll help!” George and Dream then quickly made their way down the hallway.

“Wait! How am I supposed to call Callahan?” Sapnap shouted, hoping one of the two would hear him. Thankfully, they did.

“Use the Alexa!” Dream shouted over his shoulder, before sprinting away to catch up with George, who hadn’t stopped. Sapnap sighed. Looks like he was going to be stuck with a mute for who knows how long. There was a pretty good chance that Fundy was unreachable, and it’s not like Dream or George knew where he lived.

Slowly, Sapnap lifted up his head a little, seeing the amazon Alexa tucked away in the corner of the room. “Alexa, call Callahan,”.

The Alexa did not wake.

_ What the hell did they set the wake word to?? _

“Echo?”

Still, it did not glow.

“Amazon?”

Nothing.

_ What was the fourth thing you could set the wake word to?  _ Sapnap racked his brain, but he couldn’t figure it out. So instead he found his thoughts drifting to The Guy Who Didn’t Like Musicals.

The professor had set his wake word to Alexa, so that was no help. But still, he began to nod along to the eternal hum of “Show Stoppin’ Number” now stuck in his head until he could figure out this Alexa’s wake word.

\- - -

George quickly grabbed his phone from his pocket, opening up Telegram and messaging Fundy. In all honesty: There was no way they were going to meet up with Fundy without first telling him  _ where _ to meet up. He wasn’t the kind of guy to just be sitting in Munchy’s lobby or something, Fundy was most definitely somewhere else, doing something else. Dream and George really just didn’t want to be near an angry raw chicken or an angry Sapnap. Neither of those were  _ ever _ good situations on their own, and now they were mixed into one, equally terrifying, being.

Don’t ask how Dream and George know not to get on the bad side of a raw chicken. It’s not important to the story.

So Dream and George had decided that it was probably best if they instead acted like they knew where Fundy was, and just left Sapnap to his own devices, or more accurate, an Alexa to which he didn’t know the wake word, and if he ever figured it out, a mute named Callahan.

“Geez, how long does it take to text someone, George?” Dream asked.

“Geez, how long does it take to make Dream grumpy?” George mocked quickly, tired of Dream’s attitude, “It’s obvious that simply saying that we turned someone into a raw chicken won’t work, I’m doing my best to explain the situation so that he doesn’t secound guess us, smarty pants,” George huffed out as he continued to tap out the long message. The two stood in a stiff silence as he looked over the text, and then finally sent it.

They continued to stand in a stiff silence because Fundy didn’t respond for fifteen minutes.

And continued to stand in a stiff silence when Fundy replied with a simple: “Recording, come join ig??” George honestly didn’t know how to tell Dream. Neither of them were very happy right now, Dream even less so. So they continued to stand in a stiff silence for a moment more, before George finally cleared his throat,

“So, uh, Fundy is recording right now. He said it would be fine if we joined in? I’m not sure what that means but… You know what? Let’s just get onto his recording server and get this over with,”

Dream looked up from his own phone for a moment, before disappearing away. He had joined Fundy’s server.

\- - -

Callahan felt a buzz in his pocket, and quickly grabbed out his phone, ignoring the work he was doing. If he was lucky, Bad had just assigned him something else ot do, and he stop looking over these stupid ban appeals.

He was sort of lucky.

Bad  _ had _ texted him with a new assignment, but it was perhaps one of the stupidest, and most likely quickest, jobs he’d ever gotten.

“Can you check on Sapnap? Dream and George said they turned him into a raw chicken”

That was the entire text.

No other context.

Nothing on where to find Sapnap.

Nothing.

Callahan kinda felt like he was being trolled, but anything is better than ban appeals, so he shrugged it off and went to go look for Raw Chicken Sapnap.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a bit short but shush im tired

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no one:  
> me the entire time writing this: bearsintreesbearsintreesbearsintreesbearsintreesbearsintreesbearsintreesbearsintreesbearsintreesbearsintreesbearsintreesbearsintreesbearsintreesbearsintreesbearsi

When Callahan found Sapnap, Sappitus Nappitus was still pitifully humming “Show Stoppin’ Number,”. Callahan couldn’t exactly get Sapnap’s attention.

One, he was mute, and two, Sapnap had his eyes closed.

Why didn’t Callahan just shake Sapnap? He was a raw chicken. Who the hell is going to touch a raw chicken? If you say “me!” I will personally find you and give you salmonella. Yes, that’s a threat. Shut up. We came from Tumblr, what did you expect? Me to  _ not _ threaten to give you salmonella while reading a story about a raw chicken?

Weak.

**nEVER MIND.**

I’ve been made aware that some of you eldritch-horrors were linked this fic on  _ Twitter _ . Well then. My opinion on dteamtwt has been drastically altered.

I suppose we must move on then.

Callahan looked around the room, still unsure on how to go about waking Sapnap. Then it hit him. Or moreover, it hit him that he should hit something. So Callahan walked through the door and slammed it loudly behind him, making Sapnap ‘jump’ as he opened his eyes.

“Callahan! What’s up! I’m a raw chicken… Dream and George pretty much left me here to rot while they went looking for Fundy. I genuinely thought I was going to be alone the entire time,” Sapnap did his best to make eye contact with the mute, but it was hard since he was his back, “They told me to call you with the Alexa in here, but I can’t figure out the wake word, do you know it?” Callahan stood there for a moment more, totally unsure how to speak with Sapnap. The guy didn’t know ASL, and of course, he couldn’t text him, Sapnap couldn't see his phone, so Callahan scanned the room, hoping that it would have something he could write on.

It was a relatively small room, the door behind Callahan, and a light switch to his left. Of course, the lights were off (can’t hold a seance with the lights on, now can we?), so he quickly flicked the switch, illuminating the darkroom. The corner to the left held a small storage tower, stacked full of random equipment used for running Munchy, nothing too specific, mostly just world edit wands. Continuing on down the left wall there was a medium-sized black desk, papers and a laptop scattered across it, Callahan assumed they belonged to either George or Dream. In the back left corner, there was a small folding table leaned up against the wall. The back wall and back right corner were bare, showing off the depressing grey concrete. On the right wall, the light mint green couch sat, about a foot away from the actual wall, a small table scattered with fake plants pressed between it and the wall. Underneath the couch was a disgusting rug, not because it was dirty, it was just generally a bad rug, its pattern too messy and it’s bright orange color clashing with the rest of the room. At the very centre of the room, there was a giant pentagon made of deep maroon paint. Callahan sighed,  _ this  _ is why he doesn’t often come to the basement of Munchy, so many of the rooms looked like this. Callahan liked order. And color theory.

His own office was always nice, so much so that he hated it when any of the other staff barged in, they always seemed to get their grubby hands on his stuff. Annoying, to say the least. Callahan quickly made his way over to the dest, pulling down the hood of his onesie so that he could better see in the still dark room. He grabbed a pen strewn around with the written on papers and quickly dug through the drawers looking for a fresh piece of loose leaf.

When he found a sheet, he quickly began writing:

_ Why tf are you a raw chicken??? _

_ Also, the wake word is ‘computer’ if I remember correctly _

His handwriting was really neat and large enough to be easily legible from about a foot away. He walked back over to Sapnap and held the paper over his head, having Sapnap read it.

“Oh. So, Dream and George wanted me to ‘test’ something for them and I agreed, but then they drew a pentagon around me and told me that they were  _ actually _ going to turn me into a raw chicken, and then I just, didn’t care enough to say no,” Sapnap said, “Computer! Play some bad music,” Among liking absolute bangers like Skechers, Sapnap also enjoyed lightening the mood with some shitty music.

Curiously enough, the Alexa responded with a simple: ‘Playing music you like,”. Many people have speculated on why this is, and have collectively decided that if we were to know, we would be much farther advanced as a society. This is just speculation though.

A bit of air escaped from Callahan’s nose as he sat down back at the desk. He considered organizing it, but didn’t want whoever owned the stuff to get mad at him. Sapnap was a little in shock, but shrugged it off as  _ Watermelon Sugar _ began to play. It was better than The Guy Who Didn’t Like Musicals.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the longer paragraphs this time around,,
> 
> i try to separate my paragraphs so that people w/ adhd have an easier time reading, but I was feeling REALLY descriptive tonight hh
> 
> also fundy next chapter?  
> yes please.  
> AND I PUT SOMETHING IN THE TAGS JUST NOW HEEHEE  
> sorta like a hint onto what's gonna happen in the next chapter


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a mess

Okay. So, when Dream and George joined Fundy’s recording server they most definitely  _ did not _ expect to be met with what sounded like complete and utter gibberish.

In  _ reality, _ it was Dutch, or moreover, Dutch, but it’s pronounced like shit. Also known as “Wilbur was also in the server and Dream and George walked in on him trying to speak Dutch, but if you weren’t aware, Wilbur is terrible at it”. It was quite the spectacle.

A tall, pale, British boy in a tik tok beanie and a thick black jacket sitting on the ground across from a pretty average Dutch guy in an orange sweatshirt. Dream and George, of course, knew Wilbur in passing (he was one of the guys who teamed with Technoblade in MCC right?) but they weren’t the type of people to just know his face immediately.

The moment that Fundy and Wilbur realized that there were other people in the server, Wilbur stopped speaking ‘Dutch’, and embarrassment quickly flushed his face. George was in a thick cyan-blue sweatshirt (one of the colours he could see best) and a pair deep blue pair of jeans, Dream was in a jean-jacket vest, a light green (almost white) t-shirt underneath, and a pair of khaki pants. Both of them were also embarrassed.

What had they walked in on?

“Dream! George!” Fundy quickly stood up, dusting himself off, a friendly and genuine smile crossing his face. Wilbur stood up quickly too, hoping that the newcomers would quickly forget about his terrible Dutch.

“Uh, what was  _ that? _ ” George said, much to Wilbur’s embarrassment, it was obvious that he was referring to the Dutch. Fundy came in clutch though, just replying with a simple “Dutch,” and an eye roll directed at Wil.

“So, uhm, why are these guys here? We need to finish up the video, don’t we?” Wilbur said, adjusting his beanie. He was usually quite outgoing (an extrovert even), but when your first interaction is a battle to the death where your best friend is simping over one of the two, and  _ then _ you actually meet them and you’re speaking a language they don’t know, very poorly, you’ll find yourself being very reserved around them. Fundy spun a little, to face his friend a bit better,

“Oh yeah… So remember when I had to respond to that text a minute earlier? So, George sent me a text that pretty much said that these two buffoons made a mod to turn a third buffoon into a raw chicken and now they don’t know how to turn it off,” he inhaled a bit, “so now they’re asking for my help, because get this, the third buffoon is  _ pissed _ that he’s a raw chicken,”. Wil’s face was shocked for a moment before he doubled over laughing.

“W-what? You two… how did you even… and you don’t even kn-know how to turn the-them back??” He huffed out between the laughs racking his body. Dream and George were not amused. This was what, the tenth time they had been met with that reaction? Unclear.

Nevertheless, they saw this as a genuine problem and so did Fundy.

After realizing he was the only one laughing, Wilbur stopped, embarrassment once again coming in a thick blush across his cheeks, he cleared his throat. “I-I’m gonna stop my recording, one sec,” he mumbled, before momentarily freezing as he paused the recording. Within a few seconds, he was once again in the game, a shy smile across his face as he stood by while Fundy discussed what was happening with the other two developers.

The conversation is quite boring, so I’ll leave it out, but in general, it ended with Fundy asking to see the code, which Dream had George had left at Munchy with Sapnap. In all honesty, Wilbur had no idea what any of them had been saying. They were speaking a different language, one that only developers spoke. It seemed more complicated than Dutch, which is quite the feat. So Wilbur had just tuned most of it out.

Quickly, they all moved servers (it was a bit of a problem for Wil, seeing as he had never visited Munchy, but they got there). So now they had four guys wandering the halls of munchy because they had completely forgotten where they left Sapnap.

\---

Sapnap was also very bored. Sure the music was keeping him vaguely occupied, but he wished for social interaction, which was, of course, something that Callahan could not at all provide without either writing a lot, or Sapnap magically learning ASL. Another problem was that Sapnap was on his back, meaning that he was staring at the ceiling, which was, in all fairness, even more plain than the terrible decorated room around him. So in a fit of boredom, Sapnap called Callahan's name,

“Callahan, can we do something?” he asked. Callahan’s first reaction was to begin signing, which failed for two reasons: one (1) Sapnap didn’t know sign language, and two (2), Sapnap was staring at the ceiling, both of which I’ve touched on before in this chapter. But if you couldn't tell, I’m having a bit of a problem pacing this, I don’t want Sapnap to be super quickly shifted back into a human again, and also I want you (the reader) to remember that he exists, so every once in a while I have to shift to this very poorly decorated room, in which there is a mute and a half raw chicken half-human (actually more like ⅘ raw chicken ⅕ human).

Also, I’m rambling. I do this often, to be honest. I think it’s a nasty habit for writing but my friends and teachers like it. I’m not sure anymore. Moving on:

Actually, no. I’m ending this chapter here because I’m sort of tired and also my hand hurts. And also I need to try and submit characters for Art Fight, which could take all night, to be honest.

Good night fair reader! See you whenever I’m reminded that I have to write this! Which will probably be next week. I’m terrible at remembering things.

Like remembering to end this chapter.

Sorry!


End file.
